Last November (the 20th to be exact), my brother Spencer married Heather Steele in the Provo Temple. It was so awesome to be a part of it, I was sad though that I couldn't be a part of the sealing but as I'm not endowed, I couldn't be there. But I was really happy that two of my sisters and my parents were able to witness that most treasured moment (and long waited moment on my moms part).
Anyway, that was a longer intro than I had planned but it needed to be said to lead up to tonight.
Spencer and Heather live in Pennsylvania. Basically a whole country away. But right now, they are visiting with us and I'm really happy and excited that they're here. I really wish that I could spend more time with all my siblings and really get to know them. And now that the family has acquired 2 new sisters, I want to know them even more.
Well, tonight, I had another bad night. Crying, sobbing uncontrollably, for no one reason, just everything coming up that sucks in my life. (Lack of) Friends, family, future plans, self-loathing and body image, just to name a few. I was trying to be quiet with my sobbing. I was in the shower when it started and I thought that the added noise of the running water as well as the fan would drown out my laments, since it couldn't drown me.
But with our paper thin walls everyone can hear what's going on everywhere and anywhere in the house.
Thankfully, I was able to calm down a bit after. Usually it takes hours to calm down and that's only after taking half a pharmacy worth of pills. Not that the pills really help, just the thought of them helps.
Anyway, I was in the kitchen afterwards, and Heather comes in looking for her chapstick so I help look for her as well. She finally says "It'll turn up somewhere, it's not a big deal." So I thought okay, that's cool, it probably is around here somewhere.
So I'm still standing in the kitchen behind one of the chairs (closest to the microwave) and Heather is sitting in the chair across from me.
She finally asks me how I'm doing. And I can tell by the look in her eyes that she knows whats really going on. Truth be told, it kind of freaked me out a little. In the past, when people have found out how crazy and completely psycho I can be, they run the other direction as fast as their caffeinated bodies can carry them. Heather's look was this intense, caring, and empathetic look. A look I've never seen on anyone else. A look that made me speechless, knowing the love and care that were behind that look.
Heather, knowingly states the obviouse "You've been having some hard times huh?"
Which took me completely off guard. No one (in my experience) has ever really come out and said that or brought up the subject. Growing up, my family did not talk about feelings.
I told her the cliff notes version a bit, saying, yeah, I was having a hard time, feelings of depression and anxiety of not knowing where I'm going (or even who I really am), feelings of utter loneliness (in spite of the "large" family).
Heather goes on to say that she's sorry that I have to go through all this crap and that she wishes she had a magic wand or something to make it go away. She asked if there was anything she could do to help (to which I replied, "I wish there was"). And she even admitted that what she was saying seemed trite and cliche but that she did mean it and told me that her and Spencer think about and pray for me a lot.
I didn't know what to say or do about that. It seemed so out of the ordinary that I was dumbstruck; speechless. Heather knew all the exact words to say, and she said them with what I knew to be a sincere heart which meant the world to me.
In my silence, Heather walks around the table towards me and gives me a real hug. Not a perfunctory hug where you're-just-hugging-them-because-you-have-to kind of way, nor was it the awkward-hug-that-was-either-one-armed-hug or the-side-hug-with-hip-bump.
Heather gave me a hug that wrapped around my fragile and broken body and spirit, encompassing my being with love. She held me saying that she prays and thinks about me a lot and really hopes that someday it will get better, even though it's been said a lot. Heather really believes it.
She then told me she loved me, a real "I love you" and not just a quick, insincere "loveya" where you can't be sure what the individual actually said or if they even meant it.
It made me feel good. A small ray of sunshine that peeked through the overcast, dark, and cloudy days that fill my heart, soul, and mind. The first hug that I've had in a long time that actually meant something. I mean, I've had hugs from family or acquaintances in the ward, but those just felt empty to me or just a formality that a ward member was supposed to give another ward member no matter how you knew or liked them.
....I so wish, with all the energy I have left, that all that was able to bring me out of my funk and give me a new thread of hope to hold on to, something that I would be able to take in my hand and follow it to something better, something hopeful...But it wasn't a complete bust. In a complete dark time there was a slight glimmer of light that gave me a strip of hope that helped at least in the next few hours. And when things get bad again and I feel depressed and down again, like there's nothing left to live for, that I'm all alone in the world. I hope I can remember this moment and have the strength to hold on for a little bit longer.
